“When broken people do broken things – especially in the name of love – we all get broken, too. What starts as sweetly genteel swiftly descends into everything that’s brutalizingly ugly about the abusive master/slave dynamic. A hauntingly elegant, masterfully written, and ultimately devastating indictment of cruel manipulation and even crueler submission. This is one deeply fucked-up heartbreaker. You have been warned.”

— John Skipp

I read this short novella (only 88 pages) in one sitting and I must say I really, really liked it. And one day later I’m still thinking about it.

Written in epistolary format (but instead of letters you get emails and IM chats), the book follows a LGBTIA+ relationship between a Sub and a Dom. It all starts off innocuously, with a post on QueerList.org about an apple peeler sold for $250 with a lot of history behind it.

It’s a wholesome post, talking about cherished family memories and the importance of keeping things for your children to pass on.

After all, what exactly is a family, if not a brotherhood and sisterhood afflicted with the same terminal disease?

The potential buyer (crushedmarigolds) and our seller (agnes_in_wonderland_76) start chatting and the buyer transfers $1000 to the seller with no other attachments after hearing of their struggles to maintain rent and a roof over their heads.

The seller is forever grateful and so starts a friendship between two women, which becomes messy when the feelings of gratitude turn into obsession and love. The buyer and the seller then decide to go into a Sub/Dom relationship and in 50 shades of grey style, they send and sign some really non-legally binding and eyebrow-raising contracts.

  1.    The Drudge agrees to obey to the best of her ability, and to devote herself entirely to the pleasures and desires of the Sponsor. The Drudge also renounces all rights to her own pleasure, comfort, or gratification except insofar as permitted by the Sponsor.

  2.    The Drudge agrees to hand over the password and all subsequent details of her bank account information to the Sponsor so that the Sponsor is in full control of her accounts. The Drudge agrees to never question the Sponsor with regard to finances and fully understands that the Sponsor’s full possession of her account is for her physical and mental well-being.

  3.    The Drudge will sleep in the nude with the air conditioning on full blast, even in winter months. This is intended to show servitude to the Sponsor and is a means by which the Drudge can make a small sacrifice in order to exhibit an unparalleled level of loyalty.

  4.    The Drudge will only consume food at the following times: 10 a.m., 1 p.m., and 6 p.m. This strict regimen of feeding will not only improve digestion but will keep the Drudge balanced and in good faith with the Sponsor.

  5.    The Drudge will confer with the Sponsor before making any large purchases as the Sponsor holds the account information for the Drudge.

  6.    The Sponsor accepts full responsibility of the Drudge. This includes but is not limited to: the Drudge’s survival, health, physical well-being, and mental well-being. The Drudge accepts full responsibility for informing the Sponsor of any real or perceived dangers or safety concerns, but also agrees that the Sponsor’s decision will be final regarding these issues.

  7.    The Drudge agrees and understands that any infractions of this contract, or any act the Drudge commits which displeases the Sponsor, will result in punishment.

  8.    This agreement may not be assigned by either party to any third party.

  9.    This agreement may be amended in writing at the Sponsor’s behest and will require compliance from both parties

I mean, giving up ones complete independence to be taken care of a stranger off the internet? No red flags?

The book continues with a series of increasingly “off” requests where the Dom is trying to gage how much their sub is willing to go and the stakes keep getting higher and higher.

What I wasn’t expecting was that the Dom would pull away seeing how far things have gone. And that the Sub would continue on the downwards spiral.

I’m not a good person. Not as good of a person as you are.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but you deserve someone who won’t pretend to care for you while they are meanwhile banking on your misfortune.

Because of this, I’m thinking of ending things between us for the foreseeable future.
I know you’re going to be upset. But this is for the best. I ask you to trust me.

I know I certainly don’t deserve any trust given my capriciousness, but I know in time you’ll come to recognize that I’m trying to help you. For the first time I’m thinking of someone other than myself. It scares me.

But letting something happen to you scares me even more.

The sad truth is I don’t think I love you as much as you love me. And that’s OK. That happens in relationships all the time – there’s always someone who loves more than the other.

But I can’t take ownership of your destruction. I want this to stop.

Makes me think – was Agnes (the sub) always this deranged and only needed a catalyst to trigger her mental collapse? Or did the new love unlock something in her, a desire she has kept hidden but never really acknowledge of wanting to care for something or someone else?

Things have gotten worse since we last spoke.
I think there’s something wrong.
It hurts me to even think it, but something’s not right with our child.
I feel this intense pain all the time, as if someone were sliding a razor blade along my guts.
I don’t know if I can bear it anymore. I feel like taking a pair of shears and slicing myself open.
Would you come then?
Would that get your attention?

Whelp, attention seeking behaviour aside, a therapist can have a field day with Agnes – so many issues in there including strong attachment to a paternal / maternal figure – which in this case is the Dom. A bit of suicide ideation – they mention it earlier in the story when they said they considered it when the inability to pay the rent would render them homeless. A bit of a desire to become a mother at all costs (this time with a ** SPOILER ** tapeworm)

Other books by Eric LaRocca:

We Can Never Leave This Place by Eric LaRocca – or the grotesque version of Life of Pi