I ran across this story from Cosmopolitan the other day and I decided to re-share and spread the word to all my lovely ladies out there.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a64059036/unsupportive-partners-stress-sex-drive/

Three takeaways

• Stop doing all the housework
• Stop enabling him
• If he doesn’t do it, don’t pick it up for him.
• If he says he’ll do the dishes, let them pile up until he does
• Don’t wash his clothes
• Let him iron his own shirts
• Stop being a bang maid

Women are out here fighting for every relationship we’ve got. We’re investing what little time and effort we have, often pouring from an empty cup to create supportive networks. We try to support each other if we can. We intentionally try to create open and supportive relationships. And men often expect a woman to do this for them.

In the past three decades, men’s social networks have shrunk significantly compared to women’s. This shift leaves many men increasingly dependent on women for emotional support, a dynamic that some researchers believe can place undue strain on women.

Stanford researchers explain this strain, which they dub “mankeeping,” in the Psychology of Men and Masculinities journal. They argue that women take on the emotional burden of filling the gaps in men’s social circles. As men’s social connections decline, the invisible labor women invest in providing emotional support to men can be significant.

Ferrara explains that this time spent “mankeeping” includes the invisible emotional work women do in their relationships with men—as partners, family members, coworkers or friends—to help them maintain their emotional well-being and social connections. She breaks this work down into three components:

Emotional Support: Women frequently become the emotional anchors for the men in their lives. They’re the ones doing the listening, checking in, and offering support.

Building Social Networks: Many women also take on the role of social coordinators, ensuring that the men around them have strong friendships and meaningful connections. From suggesting a catch-up with an old friend to organizing social gatherings, women help men foster deeper, more supportive friendships.

Teaching Social Skills: Women often must teach men the interpersonal skills involved in supportive relationships, like how to ask thoughtful questions and carefully listen to the answers.

“American men—with their puffed up chests, fist bumps, and awkward side hugs—grow up believing that they should not only behave like stoic robots in front of other men, but that women are the only people they are allowed to turn to for emotional support.” She adds this “is not only detrimental to men, it’s exhausting an entire generation of women.

2019 Harper’s Bazaar “Men Have No Friends And Women Bear The Burden,” Melanie Hamlett

I have noticed over my lifetime that often, men that I know refuse to share an equal part of child rearing, cleaning, cooking, etc. with their female partners or family members. As someone who one day wishes to have kids and a husband, one of my big concerns is not having help from my partner as we will most likely both need to be working full time in this economy.

Obviously there are men, perhaps a majority, who feel that when both partners work full time, both should contribute equally. However anecdotally I have seen the majority of the men that I know feel as though they didn’t have to, and be more than comfortable living in absolute filth, not caring for the kids, and dumping all responsibility on their wife/girlfriend despite contributing equally to finances.

As someone interested in psychology, I have always wondered why this is. I see people say “boys will be boys”, or “men are just lazy” but I don’t believe that’s it. Does it have to do with how they were raised? Societal pressure?

I’ve seen women who complain about this just give up and see what the husband does and then be sort of shocked at how little he cares.

There’s also another thing where I’ve seen some men have this attitude of “whoa I don’t know that stuff, you [woman] are the expert, just tell me what to do.” Like when I was a grocer sometimes I’d see older husband and wife couples come in and I’d ask the man “would you like the receipt with you or in the bag?” and he would look at the woman helplessly like he was incapable of deciding for himself and needed her expert opinion. There may be some unspoken expectation of “you are the boss of this.” Pop feminists like to call this weaponized incompetence, as if it’s some kind of conscious manipulative strategy, but honestly when I see it it looks more like a kind of subservience mindset where a lot of men are socialized to be henpecked and childlike at home and do what “the boss” says. Part of the Happy wife happy life, the ol ball and chain, etc. I see that in a ton of boomer men.